It has been brought to my attention that some members of this organization are lactose intolerant. I don't want to know who. In, fact, I don't want to hear about it at all, and I'll tell you why:
Lactose intolerance, like racial and religious intolerance, will not be tolerated within this organization. Although lactose content is not yet a category protected by law, this organization's policy states that it will not engage in or tolerate discrimination or harassment based on sex, age, race, color, texture, shape, size, species, religion, creed, sexual orientation, marital status, national or planetary origin, ancestry, citizenship status, military status, veteran status, handicap or disability status, political affiliation, gender presentation, or fat and sugar content. Lactose intolerance is clearly an example of this last item, and is therefore unacceptable.
Evoking echoes of the pre-civil rights South, many restaurants have special VIP areas of the menu that are touted as "vegan"—a term which by definition excludes lactose. Some restaurants refuse to serve lactose at all. Many religions that feature dietary restrictions (such as certain weight-loss cults) prescribe restrictions on lactose, or even ban it entirely. The popular Atkins Diet warns against contact with any sugars, regardless of type or origin. The movements of lactose are also regulated by many governments.
Although lactose does have many defenders and (in the form of cheese, butter, ice cream, and yogurt) continues to be popular among the American public, even supposedly positive portrayals often have a negative side. Television stations air numerous advertisements that fetishize lactose, portraying it as a sexy, sleazy product to be used up by aggressive, lustful consumers. In almost all cases, the commercial is from the point of view of the consumer, and the lactose plays an entirely passive role. Commercials often sensualize violence toward lactose, depicting it whipped, burned in ovens, and sliced with knives or spoons. Sensitive, realistic media portrayals of lactose and its functions in the body are rare, and there has never been a major film, television show, or commercial about lactose that was written, produced, or directed by a lactose molecule.
In fact, American lactose molecules exist in a state comparable in many ways to slavery. They do not possess the legal right to vote, marry, drive, or own property. They are usually regarded as the property of other, non-lactose Americans, who have the legal right to abuse, abandon, or even devour them as they wish.
Some lactose intolerant people and their doctors have popularized the concept of lactose intolerance as a disease. They claim that certain people are unable to "digest" lactose, and that they will experience nausea, cramps, bloating, and diarrhea upon contact with lactose molecules. This is an obvious analogue to such bigoted assertions as "I'm not afraid of queers; they just make me want to throw up!" or "Girls are all right—in their place!" and is a clear effort to denigrate, control, and marginalize. Furthermore, although the proponents of this theory claim that lactose intolerance is caused by a deficiency in an enzyme called lactase, studies show that a significant number of people who are deficient in this enzyme do not show signs of lactose intolerance.
We believe that the medicalization (and subsequent commercialization) of lactose intolerance serves only to excuse and legitimize this insidious form of bigotry.
The consequences of lactose intolerance are both chilling and widespread. Lactose intolerant people often expand their hatred and suspicion of lactose to include all dairy products—and those who produce them. Even such aged and unthreatening items as cheddar cheese, which contains minimal amounts of the despised sugar, do not escape the fiery grilling fork of their wrath. In Texas, steers (members of a lactose-producing species who are not themselves able to produce lactose) are imprisoned and slaughtered in numbers which far exceed the death toll of the Holocaust. And the government, far from stopping these atrocities, actually subsidizes them.
The United States government has not yet had the courage to reject lactose intolerance and resist the will of the mighty corporations who profit from the oppression and exploitation of lactose molecules. Therefore, this organization will light the torch that will soon set fire to the nation, blazing out its powerful message of peace and tolerance to our dark, violent world. The spark must come from inside each one of your hearts, but the match that strikes the spark will be our comprehensive non-discrimination policy—which must be absolute to be effective.
Therefore, any person caught demonstrating lactose intolerance can and will be subject to immediate termination. Termination is usually carried out in the form of defenestration or "shredding," although methods may vary due to circumstances and the whim of the Board.
I am sure you will all comply.
Although Ksiusia was widely denounced as paranoid, shortsighted, and dorky on her first trip back to the planet of her birth, she takes great pleasure in pointing out the shortcomings of the planet where she grew up. Because of this, not many people notice her equally profound appreciation for its many natural resources, not the least of which are the fiery patchwork of the Berkshire hills in autumn, feminist utopian novels, Tuvan punk music, and big round asses.